plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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