I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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