Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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