she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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