No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Someone shattered a urinal.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
