YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
