the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
