...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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