Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
