I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
