8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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