shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
