I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
are you so shy because you have an std?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
