the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
