i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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