I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
