Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize