i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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