I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
