just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
