i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize