There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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