cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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