Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
