Got a toothbrush?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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