I could make wine with my vomit
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
