So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
