Your face is a jimmy john
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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