I've blown a few things in my day
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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