He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
