i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize