I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
