so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
