he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize