I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
