I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
