Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
