Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
