Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
