someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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