mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
