You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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