You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think your dad took our porno
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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