guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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