I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
