There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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