his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
