So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
