I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
