I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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