shes about as inviting as chlamydia
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
