It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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