my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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