its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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