So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Let's get the cat blown out
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
