Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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