God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
