Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
