I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
